Calculate your pet’s HP with my 100% legitimate formula | Unraveled


*cheerful music, slowly diminishing* Is life quantifiable? Every breath, every beat of a heart… Do they count as tallies etched tirelessly
into the stone of our existence, until one day, that stone is returned to dust? Is there a number, an algorithm, underlying
the spark of life? And if given the chance to know the arcane
secrets of that algorithm, would you use that power for good? Or would you use it to calculate your pet’s
HP? Because that’s what I would do! *energetic music* HIT POINTS! What are they and how did they become the
standard unit of life in nearly every game? It all started with war games, tabletop games
that involve a lot of little miniature military forces fighting on a battlefield. Back in the 1920s, the Naval War College created
an early form of this in order to help evaluate battles before actually fighting them. They had a stat called “Life” which was
determined by how many 14-inch shell hits a vessel could take. So that’s what a hit point is, how many
14-inch shells it would take to kill you. Every living creature is one hit point. The end. But that isn’t our current understanding
of HP. That came when war games shrank in scope and
started to become more fantasy oriented. In older games, you would roll dice, and then
your troops would either survive or they would die. You had large swaths of nameless troops so
you could do this without feeling any remorse over their deaths. Haha. War. But when these games stopped playing with
hundreds of troops and instead focused on a few main characters, players realized they
didn’t want their characters to die! So the hit point was born. Your character could survive X number of bad
rolls before throwing them in the garbage. So really, the hit point wasn’t made to
quantify how easy something is to kill, it was born from compassion and wanting to see
your characters grow and thrive. And then also to figure out how easy they
were to kill. We’ve had some semblance of HP for nearly
a century, but we haven’t updated our real-world understanding of what one hit point looks
like. So I’ll be doing that, specifically so you
can quantify your pet’s HP. A little disclaimer up front: I am not giving you this algorithm so you can battle your pets. Animal abuse is wrong. And if you needed me to tell you that… I’m glad I told you that. I’m also not teaching you how to calculate
human HP, because that power is too great to wield, and it could easily be used for
evil by some of the most wicked forces on Earth… like health insurance companies. No, I am teaching you how to calculate your
pet’s HP as a fun bonding exercise between you and your animal, or in case you happen
to be at a house party where you don’t know anyone but the hosts have a dog and so instead
of just sitting in the corner pretending to text people, you can spend your time calculating
that dog’s HP, which is a way more normal thing to do in a social situation. Now it is time for the research. How are we going to effectively calculate
ANY pet’s HP? Luckily, there are plenty of games that cover
pretty much every type of pet that you could possibly have, but I’ll be using Pokemon
as the main pet HP analog because it is literally about having lots and lots of pets that you
can love and cherish and I’m ignoring all the other stuff. And that brings us to our first criteria:
Type. According to the National Pet Owners Survey,
here are the most common types of pets found in U.S. Households. I appreciate that they have included a category
called “Small Animals,” as if that means fucking anything. So we’re changing some things. The standards are still there: Dog, Cat, Fish
(and all aquatic creatures), Reptile, Bird, Equine, Small animal is becoming small mammal
for things like ferrets and rabbits. We’re also including bug, because I love bugs! And if you have bugs in your house and you
make the conscious decision to WANT those bugs in your house, they aren’t pests, they’re pets…s. Amphibian for the frog people. Farm animals covers any livestock that don’t
immediately fit into the other categories. Originally, I thought about classifying these
quadrupedal animals as different sorts of dog. Chunky dog, milky dog, horny dog. But farm animal encompasses them a little
bit better. I am still keeping those names, though. We also have a category I call “exotic,”
which encompasses all of the animals you see in instagram influencer pics that make you
say, This can go from monkeys to bats to hyenas,
which, according to this incredibly reliable website, I could technically own in New York
due to a loophole? *about to make a terrible decision* Also, Millennials and Gen Z often
live in tiny, “no pet” apartments and don’t get paid enough to support a decent
standard of living for themselves, let alone a pet, so they’ll often turn to plants in
order to feel the joy that comes from nurturing a living thing in our rapidly decaying ecosystem. *sigh* So I’m extending pet status to plants
so that way you too can do this HP calculation, because, god, we all need a distraction sometimes. By building a set of pet types, we are able
to assign HP RANGES to each of them by finding the lowest base HP and highest max HP of each
type. The absolute extremes of this scale are Shedinja,
with a base HP of 1, and Wailord, with a max HP of 544. Now, both of these would be pretty wild to
have as pets, considering one is the shell left behind after a cicada molts, and the other is a fucking whale. But that’s why they’re the extremes, and
that’s why we are not done with our equation yet. We might know the full HP range of a dog,
but what is the HP range of YOUR dog. I thought for a moment about having size be
the next criteria, because you might think that the larger the animal, the more HP it
would have. But that’s actually not true! In fact, the Pokemon with the highest base
HP is Blissey, this strange little egg woman. And Onix, an enormous rock snake, has one
of the lowest base HPs of all Pokemon. This confused me, so I had to go back to the
original popularizer of HP: Dungeons & Dragons. And it was there that I realized what truly
affects your HP value: Your value is not defined by the size or shape of your body, it’s about what you do with the body you’re given. *cheesy motivational music* It’s all about
class! As in, what standard gaming class does your
pet fall into? Every class has different HP ranges based
on what they are expected to do. Barbarians are out in the front lines, so
they tend to have a lot more HP than a rogue, who is slinking around in the back. I’ve decided that the classes that make
the most sense for pets are: Barbarian, Ranger, Paladin, Cleric, and Rogue. I haven’t included any classes like sorcerer,
because if you have a magical pet, what are you doing here? Go cast spells with your turtle. These class distinctions separate your pet’s
HP range into 10 equal portions. If your pet is a rogue, you get the first
six. If your pet is a barbarian, you’re anywhere
from five to 10. Your pet’s personality will determine what
class they fall into. Your pet is a rogue if they are rakish, mischievous,
and spry. Cats tend to come to mind for the rogue category,
simply because they’re always up in shit they should not be up in. Your pet is a cleric if they are kind, reserved,
and healing. A rabbit that hops onto your lap after a rough
day of work and makes you forget all your worries is 100% cleric. Your pet is a paladin if it is loyal, resourceful,
and, honestly, tries a little bit too hard. Does your zucchini plant produce too many
zucchinis? A.K.A. Any amount of zucchinis? It’s a paladin. Your pet is a ranger if they are self-sufficient,
aloof, and kind of do their own thing. Ask yourself, am I holding my pet rat back
from their true ambitions? The answer is always yes, and your rat is
a ranger. And finally your pet is a barbarian if they
are boorish, brazen, and courageous to a fault. Does your dog dig under the fence so
it can jump into your neighbor’s pool? Your dog is Marmaduke. It is also a Barbarian. Your pet can have a combination of many of
these traits, but it’s up to you to decide which traits are most dominant. Now that we have your pet’s type and class
designated, we need to get into the nitty gritty of their exact HP, which means finding
your pet’s level. In order to do this, you must observe your
pet in a scientific manner. So I reached out to field biologist. Hi, I’m Olivia. I’m a wildlife biologist. I contacted Olivia after she responded to
my totally normal twitter request with this dope-ass picture. I figured that if anyone knew how to calculate
the hit points of an animal, it would be someone holding a huge bird like it was a torch. Have you ever found the hit points
of any of the animals you’ve been researching? I’ve never been involved in any sort
of study where that was something that we looked at. So no. Okay. But there are probably plenty of studies about
hit points with animals. Probably. Though she didn’t have experience with my
specific question, I knew she would have some useful advice for observing animals in their
natural habitat. When you’re observing an animal, how
much interaction should you have with it? None. None. At all. None. You have to sit in like a blind or a tent
of some sort where you’re hidden or you look like part of the environment. You could wear a ghillie suit. Brian – Oh! Olivia – People have also done that. How long of a period are you observing
that animal for? It depends on how much time and resources
you have, obviously. There have been scientists that have been
observing the same hawk for, like, 20 years in a row. So if I’m trying to… perfectly know
my pet’s HP, I should be observing it for multiple years. Yes. Cool. How do you take notes when you’re observing
an animal. Right, so, I actually—can I send
you something? Yes, please. This is exactly what I was looking for. Olivia had sent me an animal behavior data
sheet, which I could use as a template for observing and recording a pet’s behavior. But some of these behaviors wouldn’t make
sense when observing your pet on a random day. We ended up developing a new sheet that had
standard behaviors and class specific behaviors that had different weights associated with
them. You observe your pet for X number of hours,
tally up all the behaviors they did over the course of those hours, and then divide the
weighted total by X to give you your pet’s level. The logic behind this is that a higher level
pet is more likely to do more intense and class specific behaviors. Then you plug that level into this algorithm,
and you get your pet’s HP. It may seem challenging, but science shouldn’t
be easy, it should be correct. This is probably the hardest scientific
work you’ve ever had to do. It really is. Yeah. With these tips in mind, I welcome you into
my home. In order to test these calculations, I need
a test subject. So I’m using my roommate’s cat, Zuko! He lives in my apartment but he doesn’t
pay rent and he eats my bagels if I leave them unattended. As I mentioned previously, finding your pet’s
HP can be a fun bonding exercise, and in this case, I’ve been dealing with this small
bastard’s antics for so long, I need to remind myself why he’s here by quantifying
his value. The first step is easy! He is a cat. That puts him in the cat category. Okay. Step two, we gotta give Zuko a class. As I mentioned previously, cats are often
rogues, but I don’t think that fits Zuko considering he’s the least stealthy creature I know. His meow sounds like he’s been smoking two
packs a day for the past forty years. *incredibly raspy meow* And every time he
does manage to sneak into his food cabinet, he lets me know immediately. Just wanted to check in on what’s going on
up here in the cat cabinet where we keep all of the food for the cat. *loud crash* He is loud, stubborn, and not
afraid to make terrible decisions in plain view of me. And that makes this guy a Barbarian. Okay! But now it is time to observe Zuko to find
his level. As per Olivia’s instructions, I must observe
him for several years without any interaction. After explaining why I needed it, my time
off request was denied. So instead, I ate some bodega sushi in order
to induce illness, and I took a sick day. Mmmm. This is the hard part, because it’s going
to require me to observe Zuko as he goes about his daily business without him noticing that
I am here at all. I assumed my position, and I waited for the
interesting behaviors to start. *cheeky music plays* Not only was this terribly
boring, but I was beginning to fear that Zuko was not as strong as I had hoped. DO SOMETHING! PLEASE! But then I realized there was a exploit in
my system. Though Olivia, a scientist, said that you
should keep your interferences to a minimum… I’m not a scientist, I’m a gamer. And I began what is known as power leveling. I had to get Zuko as many experience points
as I could before my roommate got home and asked me what I was doing. Over the course of the day, Zuko averaged
63 behavioral experience points per hour, although those behaviors were somewhat coerced
by me. I know that I broke my system by interacting
with Zuko, but if it makes my pet happier and it makes him less of a weak-ass scrub,
why wouldn’t I game the system! I had also noticed that Zuko and I had grown
closer, our support level had increased to at least a B. I no longer saw him as a freeloader
who sometimes throws up in my bed, I saw him as a companion… who sometimes throws up
in my bed. When I felt lonely in my empty apartment,
he was there for me. When my stomach ached from the bodega sushi,
he purred at just the right frequency to ease my pain. When I was worried he was going to be under
leveled, he soothed my anxieties with his heavenly voice. *beautiful meow* And all this time I had spent
trying to calculate his HP, I hadn’t realized he was replenishing mine. So here is Zuko, Barbarian class level 63. I love him with all my heart, and he loves
me just the same. Ow! Okay, okay… *lots of wonderful meows* Beautiful. Psst! Remember when I said I really wanted to play
the Cyberpunk RPG? We finally did it. Come watch me play as a totally uncool forum
moderator called Vang0Bang0. Guys don’t say other things, we should only
have one person in the… You’re making it sound like there are more
than one person in… There’s only one person in the bathroom! Vang0Bang0!

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100 Responses

  1. Polygon says:

    Want to bond with your pet by calculating their HP? You can find all the resources here: https://www.polygon.com/videos/2019/9/9/20849172/unraveled-how-to-calculate-pet-hp-hit-points

  2. BIG MAD says:

    in chillz voice Do you like my rat, my pet rat, he's a ranger and has 270 hit points. Don't attempt to battle him as you will surely lose, he does 200 damage and does 40 points of poison damage for three turns.

  3. Suwin Khamchaiwong says:

    192 and 68

  4. Jack Russo says:

    BDG is to polygon as Tim Rogers is to Kotaku

  5. Cynthia Mekenney says:

    What is the song at the beginning?

  6. ysaur says:

    What's the music at the beginning of the video please

  7. WannEbemo says:

    WUT ABOUT PET ROCKS!!!!!!!

  8. Elias110194 says:

    My dog died a month ago…. So…. 0. RIP meg, will miss ya.

  9. Chandler Sun says:

    My pet rock has too much HP it broke my calculator

  10. Jared Murphy says:

    Brian David Gilbert: "I'm not a scientist, I am a gamer.'
    Cecil Gershwin Palmer: "Well, we have all been scientists at one time or another in our lives, right?"

  11. Clown Eyess says:

    I did have a petss centipede once

  12. Willa Collins says:

    No it’s more simple you see HP is just how many Times you can stab something until it dies Instantly

  13. Leo Sterling says:

    I've got two turtles and a snake.
    Turtle 1 is a Cleric
    Turtle 2 is a Rogue
    Snake is a Ranger.
    Will put their HP when I have the time to do this.

  14. Maiq The Liar VII says:

    It would probably be better to fix the level by age and multi class by personality traits.

  15. Chef Indie says:

    I got scared when I saw some dog creature snooping around the background.

  16. Agamidae says:

    BDG, I am disappointed you didn't calculate your own HP at the end

  17. Muhammad Moeez says:

    Hp = b(um)

  18. Comrade Revlise says:

    My paladin cat has got straight 400 hit points.

  19. The Grinning Viking says:

    I must collar this man so that I can calculate his HP. 🐸

  20. Enzo Manzoli says:

    Wait, but whales aren’t fish but mammals

  21. Cephalon Orcan says:

    You can see the joy on his face when hes told he needs to wear a ghilli suit

  22. Tavi Kat says:

    I've watched this video multiple times because Brian is a mood & legend but it just hit me, that purple shade of nail polish is cute AF.
    Name of shade? Does anybody know?

  23. Mr PizzaCat says:

    I just checked how many punches it took to kill an identical hamster to my own, Hammond 2 only took 3 punches

  24. Ganesh Ramcharran says:

    i have no idea why but i actually screen-captured 6:40 and i'm probably gonna set it as my wallpaper when i finish watching this

  25. SgtAnkleFace says:

    1.3k people don't have pets.

  26. Austracy says:

    Here are the animal types strictly based on pokemon types:
    Normal
    Ground
    Flying
    Water
    Bug
    Poison
    Dragon
    Grass
    Rock
    Fighting
    Dark
    Psychic

  27. Paul Porada says:

    Thank you. I already know my cat is a Strength build, but knowing his HP is nonetheless useful.

  28. NotBrandon Paul says:

    Not only do you feel the need to waste your own life, but now you've dragged innocent bystanders into your shenanigans. At what point does wasting time become immoral?

  29. Bryson Fisher says:

    I love how all the BDG videos have like at least 5x the views of all the other videos lol

  30. Alex says:

    This is the kind of stuff they’ll never teach you in school, but they should

  31. Burn Vortex says:

    Zir is a level 20 ranger/cleric with 259hp.

  32. Dungeons And Dumb Stupid Idiots says:

    DND is the only way to determine HP

  33. harrysarso says:

    hey gilbert wanna be my pet ;3

  34. harrysarso says:

    i think you should add the average lifespan when calculating average level
    otherwise rip tortoise

  35. RobinsInTheRain says:

    I am holding my pet rat back from its true ambitions

  36. fear says:

    my dead fish fabian's hp is 0

  37. GreatMemories says:

    what a minute how do i calculate my pets stats?

  38. Joshua Underwood says:

    I love that I now know what a real “life” point is, and that we’re all at one.

  39. Deavin Volkers says:

    Does your algorithm allow for multi-classing? Zuko exhibited behaviour of a rogue as well as barbarian. My particular pet is random and sporadic.

  40. Freya Manns Creaton says:

    Give Brian a raise

  41. Julian G says:

    PALADINS SHOULD BE ABOVE RANGERS YOU PLEEEB. Also papi BDG I love you xx

  42. Sune Bruhn says:

    Any tips on determining your plant's class?

  43. Patrick Nugee says:

    What is the song at 0:36?

  44. Mina ER says:

    I just realized ill have to stare at my plant for 8 hours

  45. Nazish Talati says:

    When you realise that in attempting to powerlevel Zuko Brian was actually friendship-levelling him.

  46. pemberToons says:

    I was doing max raid battles while watching this and found a shiny Semsitoad!

  47. Priyanshu Goel says:

    Aren't dogs horny dogs anyway.

  48. Priyanshu Goel says:

    So if i own a komodo dragon can he be a lvl 15 dragon born rougue.

  49. Priyanshu Goel says:

    I wanted to take out my health loss as i got hurt on new year but it does not work that way i think.

  50. Aldwin Ryder says:

    12:16 I know you're a barbarian Zuko, but you don't gotta be a barbarian about it

  51. Ethereal Forest says:

    I calculated my cats hitpoints by how many times I can hit them with a wrench before they die, it was 3.

  52. Liz H says:

    I like your nail polish. Also, nice Maryland wood slab.

  53. Roseheart Photography says:

    What is that jammin' song that was used at the beginning of this video?

  54. Pansexual Furry says:

    You forgot a category, children

  55. Der Stock says:

    4:02 this made me almost laugh loud at 2 am

  56. ellie says:

    SIR YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO MAKE ME CACKLE AT 3 AM
    (this refers to the entire existence of brian not just one moment or video its just brian david gibert

  57. momol2l says:

    My cat is definitally a bard

    Edit: neutral chaotic

  58. Sacred Oracle says:

    If you really wanted to know the HP of creatures, you have to figure out the unit of 1 hp. What is 1 hp? What is the easiest animal to kill? A bacteria? That would be 1 hp. Since bacteria are killed by rubbing alcohol, you can use alcohol as the unit of measure for the hp of an animal. However much it takes to get them drunk and die would be the total hp of the creature.

  59. NiLuNoArt says:

    "everyone has one hit point" excuse you I know from experience I know I have at least 6 hit points

  60. Schoobydoo says:

    Olivia: you can wear a ghillie suit
    BDG: OH? look of extreme interest

  61. Sprinter HR says:

    What if my pet can gigamax?

  62. Quentaim Productions says:

    I always thought it was "health points"

  63. Zoey Burney says:

    HORNYDOGGOWO

  64. Ghost says:

    my pet is actually a giratina, im glad this included this

  65. falloutdude 13 says:

    Ima stick to the original method

  66. Sarah Deel says:

    There's so many hot takes in this one

  67. T'Chykka says:

    If I punch someone in the face how much damage will they take?…👀

  68. T'Chykka says:

    Wait so is our age our level?

  69. Babs De Winter says:

    My tortios is a cleric

  70. Sawyer Henry says:

    This is like game theory but with better topics

  71. NoJokesInc. says:

    1:35 "Ha-ha, war."

  72. Garrett Betts says:

    SHAVE

  73. Lucifronz says:

    I'm very worried we're going to get a video from Polygon's PR people that Brian David Gilbert has died due to a mishap adoption of a hyena.

  74. Isacosmickookie says:

    My pet cactus is a ranger

  75. ______ says:

    14:17 are you saying he multi classed into a Barbarian Paladin

  76. jexthegamer says:

    A "Like" just for that opening dance!

  77. jexthegamer says:

    This is what i had hoped kyle bosman would have become, but alas…

  78. I Am Sheep says:

    What was the upbeat song played in the beginning of the video?

  79. Purple yoshis in the sky says:

    What class does dumbshit fall under?

  80. Brynn Wittenburg says:

    not to be dramatic but i want to marry brian david gilbert

  81. aether says:

    "this small bastard"
    you're wrong but you're also right

  82. abbey k says:

    i just got a dog and im so glad i can finally use this video for good

  83. WooIn Louie YANG says:

    Here’s a way to know your pet’s permanently!
    1. Find your pet!
    2.Kill it!
    3. Now you know your pet has 0 hp forever!
    4. Don’t do this. I love animals.

  84. Sienna Cullimore says:

    aye can we get some sources cited?

  85. Joeychu says:

    in my tedious studies i've met many men with alternative lifestyles that could easily take multiple 14 inch shells

  86. Dr. Freeman says:

    "I saw him as a companion. . . who sometimes throws up in my bed."
    Sounds like one of my ex-girlfriends.

  87. ninjamichael1000 says:

    but i dont wanna go to cast spells with my floating cat

  88. Carlee GG says:

    😂🤣

  89. Felix Pages says:

    my dog's hp has been 0 since last april

  90. Space Weeb says:

    bro I love your fucking nails

  91. Imperial Red says:

    That intro has big Victor Frankenstein energy

  92. SkylordLordoftheSky says:

    But wait….. How many Hitpoints does Zuko have?

  93. Archetype Wolf says:

    My bunny is a barbarian satisfied smile

  94. Eternal_Screaming says:

    whale's arent fish-

  95. Deavin Volkers says:

    I watch this Unraveled when I'm having a rough day and need a giggle.
    I also love the concept.

  96. seeingtheinvisable says:

    I watch this video when I'm sad

  97. Varun Chaturvedi says:

    "I'm not dancing this season", he once said.

  98. BAD BOY says:

    2:31
    But what if my pet was a human

  99. 3lla st3v3ns says:

    i just started watching bdg videos and the fakeout ending on this one has had me laughing for too long

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