-I want to ask about this. I know you do
a lot of book signings. And because — that you write
about personal things and because you narrate a lot of your — you read
a lot of your work, so I think, I feel as though
people might feel like they know you even more
than they do. Obviously, more than they do. But are people personal
with you? Do they tell you personal things when they come
to your book signings? -Oh, I invite it. I mean, I would never —
when I go get a book signed, I stand in line, and I think,
“What am I gonna say? What am I gonna say?” And… So I want to take that away
from people, so I just ask them a question.
Or, you know, someti– Like, I was
in Germany recently. So I would say,
“When was the last time you saw your parents naked?” And if you asked that
in America, people will say, “I don’t know.
Like, I was 6 months old.” And in Germany they say,
“What’s today?” [ Laughter ]
Like… They all — they just walk
around the house naked all the time. -You were in Norway. I mean, you’re known worldwide.
How was your trip to Norway? -Norway is — It’s staggering
how beautiful it is. -Yes, it is.
-But — So you’ve been? -I have, yeah. -But you go to the country,
y’all can be in the country, and then you get three
sandwiches and a cup of coffee, and it’s $100. I mean, it’s crazy.
-Yeah. -It’s like my friend
David Rakoff used to say, it’s like your weight on Mars. You know, like,
if you went to Mars, they would say, “well, you might
be 163 pounds here, but on Mars,
you would weigh 700 tons.” So that’s what the prices
are like in Norway. But we went to this restaurant
in Norway, and they had — It said, “Smoked whale served with
ecological sour cream.” [ Laughter ] So it’s like, bad news about
the whale, but… [ Laughter ] …really good news about
the cow. -What — Have people asked you
to be — to personalize writing when they sign the books? What’s the strangest thing
people have asked you to do with their book signing? -I mean,
sometimes people say… I mean, this must happen
to you — “Keep laughing.” And it’s like, I would never
put that in my own… -Yeah.
-…’cause that makes it sound like I think my book is funny. I’m not gonna do that. But this woman came up recently
and she said, “My daughter has been awful
to me for years, and I want you to
write something so when I die, she’ll find it in the book
and feel really bad.” [ Laughter ]
So… she said… “I want you to write,
‘Dear Barbara, I’m sorry Claire has been
so awful to you.'” And I wasn’t gonna write that,
so I wrote, “Dear Barbara, your story about “the infant son
you put up for adoption all those years ago
touched my heart.” That’s…
[ Laughter ] that’s how you destroy
your daughter. -Did you — Now what is —
Did some… [ Laughter ] What did someone
tell you about — I know there’s a story. Someone told you something
about a pug. Their pug?
-Okay. -How did it come about? -I was signing books,
and this woman — I don’t know how it started,
but this woman… So her pug had an operation
on its eye, and so it had a cone
around its neck. And so it just wouldn’t shut up
about the cone. It was whining. And so she took the cone off, and the dog scratched
at its eye, and its eye popped out
of his head, and he ate it. [ Audience “Ohs” ]
Okay? So… so somebody told me that story
at a book signing, and then I repeated it the next
night, and this woman said, well — she said —
she was a psychiatrist with the prison system
in New Mexico, and a prisoner dug both his eyes
out with a teaspoon. And he ate the first one, but he
couldn’t find the second one. [ Laughter ]
Okay? -That’s like a fable. [ Laughter ] -And then I met
somebody else who — But he was a crazy person,
and he — -Oh, was he?
-He said there was a — [ Laughter ]
-No, this was a — this was another person.
-Okay, gotcha. -But he said — he thought there
was a camera behind his eye. -Oh, gotcha. -So he dug his eyes out
with a — -All right.
I would say in the end, the pug’s the one that’s
the most easy to understand. -Well, that just is
such a dog — I mean, I’m not a dog person.
-Yeah. That’s a good argument
why not to be. -That a dog would eat
its own eye. -Yeah.
-A dog would think, “My gosh, I’m blind,
but…it’s a snack.” -Yeah.
-I mean, I guess. [ Laughter ] -I cannot thank you enough
for being here. Please come back.
-Oh, I would love to.