John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue – SNL


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN —
JOHN MULANEY. ♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT’S GREAT TO BE HERE HOSTING
“SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.” I’M JOHN MULANEY.
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME EVER TUNING IN, I HOST EVERY WEEK.
[ LAUGHTER ] I’M FULLY KIDDING.
THIS IS ONLY THE SECOND TIME I’VE HOSTED.
I ACTUALLY HOSTED THE SHOW LAST APRIL.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PHOTO OF THAT.
RIGHT. [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH. IT WAS APRIL.
IT’S GREAT TO BE IN NEW YORK CITY, BECAUSE I LIVE IN
NEW YORK CITY. AND IT’S ALWAYS CONVENIENT TO BE
WHERE YOU LIVE. [ LAUGHTER ]
I WAS WALKING DOWN WEST 13th STREET THE OTHER DAY.
I WAS COMING DOWN WEST 13th AND THIS COUPLE WAS WALKING TOWARDS
ME. AND AS I WALKED PASSED THEM, THE
BOYFRIEND SAID TO ME, “HEY, COOL GUY.”
AND THEN HIS GIRLFRIEND GOES, “THAT’S MEAN.”
AND I EXPERIENCED A COMPLIMENT AND THE INSULT IN REAL TIME.
HE WAS LIKE, “HEY COOL GUY.” I WAS LIKE, “HEY.”
SHE WAS LIKE, “THAT’S MEAN.” I WAS LIKE, “RIGHT.”
[ LAUGHTER ] I WAS A COOL PERSON AT ONE TIME.
I USED TO DO COCAINE. THAT’S TRUE.
THE PERSON YOU’RE LOOKING AT. I USED TO SMELL IT INTO MY NOSE.
I GET A HIGH FROM IT. HEY, QUICK TIP FROM MY
EXPERIENCE, DOING COCAINE WILL NOT MAKE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND GET
BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU, BUT IT WILL MAKE HER WORRY ABOUT YOU.
AND IN THE END, WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] I’M MARRIED NOW.
I’M VERY HAPPILY MARRIED. MY WIFE IS JEWISH.
I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC WHICH YOU ALL KNEW FROM THE MOMENT I
WALKED OUT. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. A JEWISH PERSON MARRYING A
CATHOLIC CHILDREN. ONLY, LIKE, TWO PEOPLE ASKED
ABOUT IT. AND THOSE PEOPLE WERE MY
PARENTS. BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED, MY MOM
ASKED ME IF MY WIFE WAS GOING TO CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU’RE RIGHT TO LAUGH.
IT’S A STUPID QUESTION. OH, I DON’T KNOW, MOM.
LET ME GO ASK A 29-YEAR-OLD JEWISH WOMAN WHO DOESN’T LIKE
ANY OF MY SUGGESTIONS IF SHE WOULD CONVERT TO, WHAT WAS IT
AGAIN? ROMAN CATHOLICISM?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] HOW WOULD I EVEN HAVE THAT
CONVERSATION? WHAT DO I COME HOME WITH A
BROCHURE? AND I’M LIKE, “HEY HONEY, ALLOW
ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT AN EXCITING NOT NEW ORGANIZATION.
[ LAUGHTER ] DON’T GOOGLE US.”
YOU KNOW THAT STRANGE LOOK OF SHAME AND UNHAPPINESS I HAVE IN
MY EYES AT ALL TIMES ESPECIALLY AFTER SEX AND IT WAS ALL FORCED
ON ME AT BIRTH? WHAT IF YOU VOLUNTARILY SIGNED
UP FOR IT? [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] MY WIFE AND I HAVE A FRENCH
BULLDOG. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HER NAME IS PETUNIA. SHE’S GREAT.
SHE’S GREAT. SHE CANNOT BREATHE BY DESIGN.
[ LAUGHTER ] SO WE PUSH HER IN A STROLLER.
THAT’S ABSOLUTELY TRUE. MY WIFE WAS PUSHING HER DOWN
7th AVENUE SOUTH. THIS IS AN ABSOLUTELY TRUE
STORY. SHE WAS PUSHING THE BULLDOG DOWN
7th AVENUE SOUTH. SHE GETS TO 7th AVENUE SOUTH AND
LEROY STREET. AT 7th AVENUE SOUTH AND LEROY
STREET, A CAR PULLS UP. OUT OF THE CAR AND STEPS
WOODY ALLEN AND SOON YI PREVIN. MY WIFE STARES AT WOODY AND
SOON YI. WOODY AND SOON YI STARE AT A
WOMAN PUSHING A BULLDOG IN A STROLLER.
THE FOUR OF THEM STARE AT EACH OTHER.
AND THEN THEY ALL KIND OF NOD AS IF TO SAY NONE OF THIS IS RIGHT.
AND THEN THEY WENT THEIR SEPARATE WAYS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] I TAKE THE SUBWAY A LOT IN
NEW YORK. I PREFER THE SUBWAY, BECAUSE YOU
HAVE THE MAN AND WOMAN NARRATING THE SUBWAY RIDE.
THE WOMAN THAT TELLS YOU THE SUBWAY STOPS IN A NICE GENTLE
VOICE AND HER WAY TOO LOUD HUSBAND.
YOU KNOW THE ONE WHO IS LIKE, “THE NEXT STOP IS
CHRISTOPHER STREET.” “STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING
DOOR, PLEASE!” [ LAUGHTER ]
STOP SHOUTING. WHAT ARE YOU, IN THE NEXT ROOM?
I ACTUALLY ASKED SOMEONE WHO WORKS FOR THE CITY, WHY IS IT A
MALE AND A FEMALE VOICE? HE TOLD ME THAT —
THEY THINK THAT PEOPLE WILL TAKE INFORMATION FROM A FEMALE VOICE,
BUT THEY WILL ONLY WARNINGS FROM A MALE VOICE.
NOW THAT’S IT’S OWN AMERICAN GENDER NIGHTMARE THAT WE DON’T
HAVE TIME TO GET INTO. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I TRUST THAT WOMAN MORE. I LIKE THAT SHE SAYS EVERY
SUBWAY STOP LIKE IT’S A SECRET. SHE’S ALWAYS LIKE, “THE NEXT
STOP IS — CHAMBERS STREET.”
>>ASSAULTING AN MTA WORKER! I WASN’T GOING DO THAT.
THEY WARN YOU ABOUT THAT. MURDERING A TAXI DRIVER WILL GET
YOU 25 YEARS IN PRISON. OKAY, I GUESS I WON’T DO IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU DON’T SEE THAT IN OTHER
BUSINESSES. RESTAURANTS ARE NEVER LIKE,
“HEY, YOUR SERVER WILL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
OH, BY THE WAY, MURDERING A WAITER IN THE STATE OF NEW YORK
IS A CLASS A FELONY. I’M GOING TO GET YOU SOME
BREAD.” [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THERE IS A LOT OF — I HEAR A LOT OF SIRENS IN NEW YORK.
THERE IS A NEW TYPE OF SIREN. YOU KNOW THE NEW SIREN THEY’VE
HAD FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS THAT HAS, LIKE, A FUN AND FUNKY
BEAT? THEY LIKE TO USE IT MORE BECAUSE
IT SOUNDS FUN AND FUNKY. YOU KNOW THE SIREN THAT IS
LIKE — [ SOUNDS ]
[ LAUGHTER ] LIKE THERE’S A D.J. IN THE BACK
OF THE PATROL CAR. IT SOUNDS LIKE TWO SIRENS
TALKING TO EACH OTHER. [ SOUNDS ]
IT’S TOO FAST. SIRENS USED TO BE SO SLOW AND
BEAUTIFUL. I WAS WATCHING THIS OLD MOVIE ON
TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES, BECAUSE I WAS NOT AN ATHLETIC CHILD.
AND IT WAS AN ALFRED HITCHCOCK MOVIE AND THERE’S A GUNSHOT.
BANG. AND THEN YOU HEAR THIS OLD
FASHIONED SIREN. AND IT WAS SLOW AND LOVELY.
IT WAS LIKE — [ SOUNDS ]
IT WAS LIKE AN OLD, GAY CAT WAS DYING.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT NOT A SAD DEATH.
NOT A SAD DEATH. HE’S LIVED A FULL LIFE AND HE’S
SURROUNDED BY LOVED ONES AND HE’S IN HOSPICE.
HE’S IN CAT HOSPICE. AND HE’S HOLDING HANDS WITH A
RABBI AND HE’S JUST KIND OF — [ MEOWS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW THOMAS RHETT IS HERE.
STICK AROUND WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK

You may also like...

100 Responses

  1. Douglas Paul says:

    one of the best monologues ever on snl

  2. ShamrockShylock says:

    I love watching the band's reaction to his jokes

  3. Jake Peterson says:

    Considering he wrote most of the monologues, he did kinda host every week

  4. assassintwinat8 says:

    what is it about his legs that's so satisfying to watch xD

  5. royce yun says:

    "Don't Google us"

  6. McKenna Smith. says:

    petition for all police sirens to be changed to john mulaney mouth noises

  7. johnny cashew says:

    Those are ww2 sirens

  8. Emily Denison says:

    He kinda sounds like squid ward in this video lol

  9. Wolfie GamerMCR says:

    It was like an old gay cat was dying

  10. Rebecca Mathew says:

    He sounds like a 1940s movie character

  11. Isabelle Arden says:

    whoever kept whooping in the beginning made me wanna shoot myself in the toe

  12. Kelly Fulton says:

    That tall child looks terrible

  13. Ashley Williams says:

    I would smell it up into my nose and get a high from it

  14. Myself And nothing more says:

    God those fucking cunts in the beginning.

  15. Sean Beads says:

    Man, he's rushing the jokes alot in tthis set

  16. joNNboiMuHfucKA says:

    Love him

  17. lucy k says:

    yo these captions are fucking wild

  18. Sarah Gray says:

    I recently moved to nyc, so I found it wonderfully satisfying to understand all his references

  19. SamSamSam says:

    Surrogate child

  20. L M says:

    Best opener ever. It was a terrific show too.

  21. Toasty Dubs says:

    A gay cat dying

  22. TrAiLeRpArKpiMp N says:

    Epic opener!!!!!!!

  23. Raini McRoss says:

    yo you guys drew gooden's dad is funny

  24. SAILOREARTH89 says:

    I was raised Catholic his stand up speaks to me

  25. 썸머가왔다Summer is here says:

    I'm a simple person. I see Mulan, I click. Maybe I was being too simple.

  26. Syntax says:

    This asshole's about as funny as cancer of the heart.

  27. Denise Williams says:

    Can’t get enough of this guy!!! Also he’s so adorable 😍

  28. Anxious Butterfly says:

    The worst drug I can picture john mulaney doing is a bottle of flintstone gummy vitamins

  29. ETHAN BILLS says:

    That was good

  30. R E D ! says:

    No one:

    John mulaney: I used to do cocaine-

  31. Grandma Susan says:

    Why does he look like the valedictorian your mother wanted you to date

  32. senderix says:

    John: I’m now happily married
    Audience: silence
    John: I have a French bulldog
    Audience: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

  33. Clashing Swords Productions-CSP says:

    "I used to do cocaine. I would smell it up into my nose and i'd get a high from it"
    -John Mulaney

  34. jazmine says:

    the thing that makes me laugh the most is that he probably had to practice the siren sound

  35. EZ_GINGEY YT says:

    6:02 dont mind me just leaving this here

  36. Gilbert says:

    john mulaney wants to be jewish so fucking bad lol

  37. Hannah Morris says:

    John mulaney circle siren is my sleep paralysis

  38. Frank McElhill says:

    This is very American. I'm Irish. I just couldn't get the humour. Our standup is much more cutting.

  39. Rick S says:

    That laugh track

  40. Nate B says:

    Mulaney is like one of the best comics out right now. Love his style

  41. Jack Sibley says:

    Mulaney acting like he didn't see Rope on opening night in 1948.

  42. dennis sweeney says:

    I love how the musicians in the back are smiling so much

  43. thefly21 says:

    That Asian woman was pretty damn funny.

  44. Wolfgang Landau says:

    I've noticed with Mulaney's performances that at the very start it takes him a second to "get into it" but once he finds it he hits the ground running and it's hilarious 😂😂😂

  45. Olivia Thurman says:

    my
    wife
    is
    jewish

  46. detective foxley says:

    I just realized John Mulaney looks like Lord Pendelton from Dishonored.

  47. jules4903 says:

    “oh by the way, killing a waiter in the state of new york is a Class A Felony. i’ll get u some bread :)”

  48. Corey Wilson says:

    ROFL

  49. Matt Boston says:

    He reminds me of a used car salesman lol

  50. rminitials says:

    Talented af

  51. jackie says:

    no one:

    John Mulaney: I used to do cocaine.

  52. TheLegend28 says:

    I love seeing the musicians laughing in the background

  53. Wayne Mullaney says:

    I'm better. I have 2 Ls in my name

  54. PIXELFLUX says:

    Mulaney is the best! People who watch shit like Schumer don't know what "funny" means 😀

  55. Internet Assassin says:

    My grandma has a dog named petunia. She’s a Weiner Dog.

  56. ALISSA SHORT says:

    “It was like an old gay cat was dying!”

    I laughed so hard

  57. Adam Scott says:

    That Asian woman hosting is hilarious

  58. Jeremy Sphincter says:

    God damn this is funny. He’s got a great delivery.

  59. Z1000Jeff says:

    I had never heard of John Mulaney before today (before you start, I'm not American and he's not big in the UK) but I've just spent my whole afternoon watching YouTube clips of him when I should have been working. Now I'm waaayyyyyy behind !

  60. Idk Idk says:

    Doing cocaine will not make your ex-girlfriend get back together with you, but it will make her worry about you and in the end what's the difference

    -John Mulaney

  61. Ava xPompea says:

    Nobody:
    Nobody at all:
    Not a single soul:
    John Mulaney: I used to snort cocaine!

  62. Derek Warren says:

    I've heard the sirens John Mulaney talked about. I noticed them when I visited NYC last year on Independence Day.

  63. Annabel says:

    6:40 John Mulaney = Robert Manion

  64. T Clark says:

    Funny dude

  65. Stanthony Spray says:

    God damnit he's so good

  66. Anthony8851 says:

    2:40 Always gotta be put that at the end of anything Catholic.

  67. Terrence Harris-Hughes says:

    Oh I get it like how when an artist goes on stage and performs a concert.
    Yeah you got it man

  68. Terrence Harris-Hughes says:

    You telling me this guy gets on stage and talks for almost 10 minutes.
    Yeah Ice it's a monologue. Hosts do them on the show. You're going to have to get used to that.

  69. 0 0 says:

    6:54 How does he come up with this 😂

  70. tejaswoman says:

    Watching this months later, listening to the part about the cat in cat hospice holding the rabbi's hand, and now I can't stop wondering if his tenure and Julio Torres' overlapped at all. They come up with the most amazing concepts.

  71. Chungo says:

    I love seeing the musicians in the back enjoying themselves both while playing and during his jokes. Those guys deserve more recognition.

  72. Beanie Eyelash says:

    He literally looks like a game show host 😂

  73. SamHandwiches says:

    king of showbusiness

  74. Joe S says:

    This is so much better if you imagine Spider-Ham saying it

  75. #JulioJones 11 says:

    One of the most underrated comics of our generation along with Tom Segura and Kevin Bridges.

  76. Kathleen Lewis says:

    I spit up my water at the taxi driver one 😂😂

  77. BoiledKettles says:

    His voice makes this so much better

  78. Alan Q. says:

    I mean, John Mulaney is now a modern clasic, isn't he? 💯

  79. Roy Ramirez says:

    I would literally die for this human being

  80. Ashley Nicole says:

    6:41 “slow and beautiful” I think anyone who’s seen Silent Hill would beg to differ.

  81. Joe Blow says:

    It's rare that you see the SNL band reacting to and clearly enjoying the monologue so much. Not easily impressed, I'm sure, and Mulaney completely draws them in. Bravo, John.

  82. Peter Schexnayder says:

    So why is the cat Jewish?

  83. Ch B says:

    "None of these is right" omfg 😂

  84. wack says:

    "It was like an old gay cat was dying" -John Mulaney

  85. Tanya Gupta says:

    He kindaaa reminds me of mr bean.

  86. Lena Gaubitzer says:

    We still have the old siren he is imitating

  87. Tristan Frodelius says:

    Mulaney is the only comedian I trust.

  88. buddyblakester says:

    I can't believe how funny he can make just police sirens lol

  89. apjicot says:

    guy with the guitar in back mouthed along to his monologue a little bit i love it

  90. regina simpson says:

    "I was watching TCM, cuz I was not an athletic child."
    Same

  91. Vincent Morot says:

    "Old gay cat dying" is the most hilarious shit ever

  92. Cuppiecake Zombie says:

    I laughed so hard at the police siren bit that not only did my sides hurt, but my mom came in and checked to make sure I was okay.

  93. Ava Arenado says:

    who talks more about their wife, john mulaney or chance the rapper

  94. Mercedes Galan says:

    Love him!

  95. Cressida says:

    I love that the band members behind are laughing as well 🙂

  96. Hayden says:

    Are they fuckin' serious with those "woooo's" at the beginning…?

  97. Karishma Bajaj says:

    All I hear is Andrew Glouberman

  98. AShinyGiratina says:

    Probably the best monologue in the late decade on SNL

  99. Lisa Kay Lindsay says:

    Such a great flowing monologue! And the police car sound effects are done so well. Genius.

  100. Suzanne Rossiter says:

    He should do the Tonight Show.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *