Mooer Report Press Conference


– We’re here live at the
press conference where special counsel Bobby
Mooer III will be releasing his eagerly anticipated Mooer Report. Let’s listen. (crowd shouting questions) (cameras clicking) – After months, my office has completed its investigation. We have found that, despite
dubious internet rumors and conspiracy theories, milk is in fact, a healthy and delicious
beverage for all ages. I’ll take questions now. (crowd shouting questions) – Mr. Mooer? – What about the famous old saying, “Milk does a body bad.” Now you’re saying it’s not true? – Look, that’s not the saying. That’s the opposite of the saying. – Mr. Mooer? What about the rumors that
drinking milk slows healing after, say, a tonsillectomy
or a sore throat? – Mm. – No that’s not true. – But I read it in an
email forwarded to me by my aunt’s coworker’s
ex-boyfriend’s prison cellmate. And that guy’s name is Trey. – Trey is mistaken. Milk contains vitamins and
nutrients that help with healing. – Damn I can’t believe Trey
did me wrong like that. – Mr. Mooer? Does milk make people gain weight? I mean like a lot of weight? Make them big and tubby like a whale? – No. – Mr. Mooer you’ve tossed around
a lot of so-called “facts,” and “truths,” and “sciences,” okay, today. But let’s all just be honest here. Milk causes male pattern
baldness doesn’t it? – Ooo. Got it. Got him.
– Boom. – First of all, air quotes
are, you don’t use all fingers. Air quotes is two fingers, they
hinge on the knuckle, okay? And no, there’s no reliable
data supporting that. – What about unreliable data? Is that not data too? – No it isn’t. – Next you’ll tell us that you
can’t grow a milk mustache. – You can’t. (crowd groans) – Oh, Trey. – What about Russian interference? – Interference in what? – Milk. I guess. – No. – Mr. Mooer? Mr. Mooer. What about the president’s tweets? – Has he tweeted about milk? – No, I mean, just like in general? What do you think? – That’s all the time I have for questions and the report is now
published and available and if I could just say, for the record, that the questions that
you’ve been asking today have been very bad. – Not my questions though
right? Mine were good. – What do I say to Trey? – And it’s official. Milk is healthy and tastes good. Truly a stunning turn of events. Or, maybe not. I mean, I guess we kind
of already knew that. It’s pretty obvious. In any case, now back to whatever the heck you
were watching before this.

You may also like...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *