Nick Thune: Good Guy – Legal Weed – Uncensored

I wanna be a good guy, and that should be
your first clue that I’m a bad guy. Good guys don’t say that.
They’re just that. So the fact that I’m striving
for something that I’m not, that, you know…
is a good sign? It’s a good… It’s a great sign, right? [cheers and applause]
Yeah. That’s actually
my wife’s handwriting. Um, so…when I asked her
to do that, what I was really just–
It’s basically her signing off
on me being a good guy without her knowing it. She was like, “Oh, I get to
write something in neon?” I’m like, “Well, I just kinda
wanna make sure we remember what you wrote.” But I do,
I wanna be a good guy. And the thing about
being a good guy is you can’t just gather
your friends up and say, “Hey, guys,
I’m gonna do a 180. “Thanks for coming out
to Denny’s. “I just wanted to… “open it up with that,
and, um, “if you guys could just mention
that to everybody forever, I’d appreciate it.” You can’t do it that way. What you do is you make
good decisions over time, and you hope that people
notice. And they think,
you know what, Nick’s… he used to not pick me up
from the airport because he told me
I wasn’t an adult because I should just
figure rides out… but this time,
he almost did. And that’s what being
a good person is, being there for your
friends and family, and it just is choices over time
to make you a better person. So the first decision
that I made to be a good guy is I decided
to quit smoking marijuana. Illegally. And I got my pot card. [crowd cheering]
Because–yeah. Well, I live in California
right now where, you know, you still
have to lie to doctors. And the thing about it is
they say it’s so easy. You go in to the doctor
and you say, “My back hurts,” or “I’ve got anxiety,” and they
just want you to smoke weed. And so I went in to a doctor
and said, “I’ve got anxiety that
someday my back might hurt.” And he said, “Dude,
that’s a serious issue. “Lotta people your age
are dealing with that right now. Let’s cut that out
before it starts.” And he gave me a weed card. Because I think
scumbags go to drug dealers, but good guys
lie to doctors. And so there I am… I’ve got my weed card. The feeling of having
your weed card– I just ran out into
the streets of L.A. like, where do we–Where are we?
Where are we going? And there’s weed stores
everywhere. And I picked one, and I hoped
it was the right one, and I go in,
and it was because…. there was weed there. And if you’ve never been
in to a weed store, the best way to describe it is that it’s like every store
you’ve ever been in but all weed, right? And so they’ve got everything.
They got, like, weed water, weed sodas, trail mix,
lip balm, lotions. And they even just have
this little area in the corner where they just have weed. Like what our forefathers
used to smoke. And I’m an old-fashioned guy.
I like to smoke weed. I to smoke-a da weed. It is a saying
that I have coined. So I bought some weed to smoke
and I said, “Thank you so much,” and I turned to walk out and
it just–it didn’t feel real. I just bought drugs, and I was
able to walk outside. And I turned to walk out,
and with drugs in one hand and a hand on a doorknob
to freedom, from over my shoulder
I hear, “Oh, Mr. Thune, one more thing.” And that’s the moment
that you realize it’s been a six-year sting
operation focused on me. And there’s eight cops
out in a van like, “I didn’t think
he’d fuckin’ do it! “We’re goin’ home! Jason, you’re gonna meet
your daughter!” And I turn around just like,
just where’s the handcuffs? Just break ’em out.
And she doesn’t have handcuffs. She’s actually holding
a weed brownie. And she says, “Mr. Thune, I
know it’s your first time here, “and…it’s a cutthroat
business out there. “We’re glad you chose us and we
hope you keep coming back, “and to show our gratitude…
[audience whooping] here’s a free weed brownie.” And she handed me
a weed brownie that was about the size
of a VHS tape. And I know this is streaming
and there’s younger audiences. Um…
[laughter, applause] It’s like– It’s like four Apple TVs. Same amount of content. And I’m holding
the weed brownie and I’m looking at it,
and I’m gonna be honest– I don’t like to eat
weed brownies because… I don’t like to feel
like I’m dying all the time. But we all learned
in elementary school: You never say no to drugs! You accept the drug.
You either learn to like it, or you give it to your best
friend on his wedding day. And so I accepted the weed
brownie and I said, “Thank you so much.
Thank you. Someday.”
And I turned to walk out, and as I turned to walk out and
I had my hand on the door again, She said, “Oh, wait, “Mr. Thune. I almost forgot.
One more thing.” And that’s the moment
you realize that they just planted
more drugs on me. The guys in the van are like,
“I didn’t think he’d do that! “Offer him coke. “See what he says. Tell him there’s hookers
in the back.” And I turn around just like,
“Just call my wife. Tell her it’s over.
Just take me away.” And she says, “What I almost
forgot to tell you is… Make sure and only
eat an eighth of it.” And I was like,
“An eighth of it?” She was like, “Um… “I mean, yeah, basically
what you wanna do… “I mean, okay, what you wanna do
is you wanna– “first off, you just wanna
break it up into halfs. “And then what you’re
gonna wanna do is, uh, “you wanna break
both those up into halfs. And then at that point, you–”
I was like, “Oh, no, no, no! “I know fractions.
Oh….God, I… “I am so sorry
I didn’t stop you. “I didn’t know you were
defining fractions. “I was just curious as to how
you almost forgot to tell me “that I might die. “But thank you so much. Thank you.
Someday.” And I took the weed brownie,
and I took it home. And when I got home, I put
the weed brownie in a backpack. And, you guys,
that’s not me bragging. We’ve all got backpacks,
and I’m not– I’m not trying to act like
I’m better than you. “Oh, the big guy who moved
to L.A. has backpacks now!” I just have a backpack
that I’ll keep drugs in every now and again. And I put it in there
and I thought, “Someday.” And then I moved on
with my life. And then later that night…
[laughter] Later that night,
I took all the weed that I had bought
just to smoke, and I took it over
to a friend’s house. And me and him smoked all of
that weed in his backyard like responsible 36-year-old men do on a Tuesday
every now and again. We were playing pinball
in his backyard. He has a pinball machine
back there, just out… outside. Because in California,
you can just put stuff outside. And it’s so close
to you guys. What if you could
put your stuff outside? It’s an interesting sell
for California. They’re all moving up here. You guys can put your stuff
outside down there! Think about it. So we’re out there
playing pinball, and then I had that moment
around midnight, that moment where your heart
sinks into your stomach and you just–You’re–
Oh, my– My phone! I put my phone over on a bench
about two hours ago, and for two hours,
I’d just been sitting there living my fucking life. And you see your phone
and it’s just like, oh, my God, what happened?
What–What’s going on? And there it is–I’ve missed
five phone calls from my wife. [sighs]
And it just– It didn’t feel that important. So I hop back on to
the pinball machine… and I keep playing pinball, and then I hear the sixth
phone call coming in. And, you guys, if you know me,
if you know me, you know that I get
the sixth phone call every fucking time.
That’s a guarantee. So I pick up the phone
and before I can say a word, it’s Suzanne on the other end
just screaming, “What the fuck
was in your backpack? What the fuck
did you put in that backpack?” And when you’re as high as I am
and somebody calls you and they’re angrily yelling
about backpacks in a very accusatory manner, in my stoned brain,
all I could hear was her questioning
my backpack knowledge. All I could hear was, “You don’t
know shit about backpacks! You’re not the man
I married!” And I’m just like,
“Whoa… “Suzanne! “You called the wrong guy! “You know I know about
backpacks! “And you used to have
a JanSport back when we met “when you were fuckin’ real… Where’s that JanSport at,
Suzanne?” And then it just gets
real quiet, and my friend Cameron’s
in the corner just like… “Yeah, dude…yeah! Tell Suzanne hey for me,
too.” And then this is the moment
when everything is like, wait,
what are we yelling about? What’s happening right now? W–is this Suzanne–
like… lotta thoughts
goin’ through my head. [exhales]
And then in that moment… Ohh…Suzanne said, in the most calm manner, “Whatever was in your backpack, Mikey ate.” Mikey’s our 36-pound
French bulldog. – Oh! – I am Mikey’s 185-pound owner. 90. 190. I’m 6’4″. Mikey’s like… dog height. I was supposed to eat
an eighth of it… Mikey ate
the whole goddamn thing. Because Mikey likey. And I told him, “You go hard,
buddy, every time.” And as all of that
was processing in my head, my wife, who is living the worst
life with the worst husband, just said,
“Just get the fuck home,” and she hung up,
and I just sprung into action. I looked at my friend
and I said nothing, and I ran to my car. And when I got to my car, I ran
back into my friend’s house, and he helped me find my car
keys for about ten minutes. Found my car keys.
Ran back out to the car. Got in the car, drove home. And I did not listen
to any music on that drive home because I didn’t deserve it. Because the new,
responsible Nick doesn’t just flip on tunes
when he’s in trouble. He thinks about what he did. And he might not…be able
to figure out the stereo at that moment. So I drove home,
and when I got home, I pulled into our driveway. And the best way to describe
our driveway is it’s curved, so as you pull in at night, your headlights wipe the house,
right? Just like…shhhuuuu! And there,
at the end of the wipe, was the end of the driveway
where my wife’s car was parked. And for that moment,
for just…[snaps] I could see her face… just…
[snaps] And the only way
to describe the look… that was on her face… is… divorce. Parked my car, got out,
ran around, and there’s Mikey just sprawled
out in the backseat of her car. And the only way to describe
how high Mikey was is Burning Man high. He’s like a dog that’s been
stuck at a hippie festival in the Nevada desert
for 14 days, and he just needs
a ride home. And he’s not even sure
he’s a dog anymore. And he’s wearing pants. Did Mikey buy pants?
Did he– Did he have money at some point?
These are kind of… Turns out,
he couldn’t hold his pee in, so she just put my favorite
pair of pants on him. That were not at the top
of the drawer. She fucking dug those out… which I deserved. So I hop in the backseat
with Mikey, ’cause there’s no way
I’m gonna sit up front with an angry pregnant lady. audience: Oh! I didn’t even mention
she’s pregnant. [laughter]
– Oh! – Edit that out. Let’s just say she’s sober. I think it’s better for
the story–for me. So I hop in the backseat
with Mikey. We got a real angry
sober lady up front, and she backs outta
the driveway and starts driving to the vet
in a way that is exciting. It’s like,
this is the woman I married! You drive like this forever! This is exciting! And I’m in the backseat,
and all of a sudden it feels like a cool stoner
buddy comedy adventure. Like I’m James Franco
and he’s Seth Rogen and… who knows what’s gonna happen? We know Judd Apatow’s
onboard. And we are driving,
and halfway to the vet, she realizes that I am as high
as the dog is. And it was subtle. It was just…
I had my head out the window. Now… I married I smart woman, because most simpletons
would just roll the window up. But it’s actually
a two-step process for a genius. She locked the windows… and then rolled it up. Caught a lotta chin,
good amount of hair. And then she said–
as the window was up and I was sitting back there
slightly confused– She said, “Nick,
I just wanna know… “I just have a question. “I just wanna know
if this is you. “Is this who you are? “Is this the man I married… “who’s gonna be a father,
who’s a dog owner, my husband.
Is this who you are?” [exhales]
Ohh… And it’s just like, “You’re fucking bumming me out
right now, like…I am really stoned.” And anybody that’s ever
smoked weed before, you know that you could go
down two paths right there, the darkest path ever,
or wanna be better. And I wanted to be better.
So we got to the vet, and I grabbed Mikey
and I ran like it was “Boyz N The Hood”
and my best friend’s been shot. I get to the front door
of a 24-hour vet and I kick it open, and me and my stoned dog
enter extremely loudly into a very quiet
and somber waiting room… to a 24-hour vet. People are sitting
in this waiting room whose animals
are currently dying… – Aw…
– And Mikey is living for the first time! [audience cheering] And what do you do? What do you do
in that situation? And I’ll tell you what you do is you fill out a shitload
of paperwork. And it’s questions like
what’s your dog’s name? And honestly… who fuckin’ cares? His name’s dog. Fix dog. Dog. What’s his birthday?
Ha oh… Who wrote this? I don’t know
Abraham Lincoln’s birthday! You think I know
this turd’s birthday? One of them freed slaves. The other one eats human shit
whenever he has an opportunity. Happened twice.
Worst two days of my life. I don’t know his birthday. So I just put my dad.
Just May 17, 1950. He’s an old dog.
He’s doing great. But if there’s anything
you’re gonna say about us as dog owners…
he’s doin’ pretty good. Next question.
What’s your name? Ha. Okay. All right. I guess I’ll
take this one left-handed. Nick Thune threw the pen.
Went for a high five. Suzanne didn’t care. And then they take us back
to the room. So this assistant walks us back,
and they put us in a small room. Suzanne sits back
in the corner. Lotta anger, um… Real quiet. I’m in the middle
of the room holding Mikey. Still have a pretty good
buzz goin’. And that’s the moment that
the vet walks into the room. And this is the order
in which it happens. She’s bouncing
from room to room. Animals are dying everywhere.
She’s flipping through paper– She doesn’t have time to look at
paperwork before she comes in. She comes in the room
just buried in the paperwork, and she goes,
[laughs] “Oh, my God! Nick Thune.” Looks up, realizes the tension. “Oh, sorry.
I just–I saw your name. “I’m a big fan of your comedy. Um…” [audience whooping] “This is crazy! “Uh…anyway. “So… What’s going on with Dog?” Ohh! Two horrible things
just happened. One–Suzanne just realized I wrote down our dog’s name
as dog. Two–this person likes me,
actually thinks I’m a good guy. Suzanne’s in the corner
just like, “What… What is my life?” The vet’s looking at me
kinda like kinda getting it like, “You fucking rascal.” But the vet’s a pro.
She pushes through it. She goes, “Okay, well,
how much weed did he eat?” And I was like, “I’ll ta– “I’m probably the only one
that knows that. Standard VHS size…
brownie?” And then she said,
“Did he eat the whole thing?” And that’s when I said,
“Knowing him… he probably put a little
aside for later.” To which she laughed out loud at
because she should have because she’s a fan and I gave her
every…thing she wanted! [cheers and applause] That was some off-duty,
pro bono, off-the-clock shit! Just like, oh, you like
my stuff? There ya go, babe. That one’s for you. And she’s looking at me
like you’re the fuckin’ best! And I’m lookin’ at her like, if this doesn’t work out…
you and me forever! And in that moment, Suzanne takes the car keys
out of her purse and throws them across the room, and they hit me
in the side of the head and she says,
“Go wait in the fucking car.” Freeze frame.
That’s it. That’s the 25-minute story
I’m opening my special with. Think about it. Think about it
for just a second, though. What just happened? What just
happened? And if you look at that moment
for just a second, just that whole moment, that freeze frame,
and think who’s in the room? Wait–who do we got? We got Nick. We’ve got…a fan, right? We’ve got… not a fan. For good reasons. What happened there? And I think if you ask
most people, they’ll say, “Well, you’re an
asshole, and she was angry.” But…if you surround
yourself with yes people… what I think
really happened there is she was basically saying,
“Hey, big guy, “you’re fucking
killing it in here. “This is why I married you!
Get outside, have a cigarette. “I’m gonna handle
all this adult bullshit. “They’re probably gonna
keep Mikey overnight. “We can go home…
enjoy ourselves without this creep
watching us, for once.” So anyway,
Mikey got sober two days later. And he’s been sober
about a year now, and we are just… so proud of him. [cheers and applause]

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