♫♫ [When your pet’s in crisis, call up Kip, the friendly neighborhood pet psychic!] ♫♫ Hi, I’m Kip! Oh! Hi Kip. I’m Viola and
I’m sure you recognize Hairy Magdalene here. Hi Hairy Magdalene.
Have we met before? Oh, that’s so sweet but you don’t have to
act like you don’t know who she is. She’s one of the top faith-based
Instagram influencers of 2019. Oh, I’m only on Facebook, sorry. Gross. Let’s get real Kip.
The race to getting thousands of Instagram followers is #DogEatDog. I had no idea. Anyways I spent over a thousand dollars last week on a photoshoot for
Hairy Magdalene on Noah’s Bark. A thousand dollars? OVER a thousand dollars which she
decided to just flush down the toilet when she defecated on the Ark’s deck and
then she proceeded to mount her co-star, Moses the Maltese. Sounds like something’s bothering her. You know what’s upsetting? Quitting college to manage your
fur baby only to get everything thrown back in your face. Hi, Hairy Magdalene. Mommy’s saying that you haven’t been yourself lately.
Is something wrong? Thank God you’re here! I can’t feel my legs and her breath is so
bad I can’t tell if she needs gum or toilet paper! Oh dear! What did she say? The the carrier is causing her a bit of discomfort. It might be helpful if you
let her walk around on her own a bit. Absolutely not! I just spent a fortune on
this paw-dicure. Yeah, well some soap and water… We’re going InstaLive for her
barktism tomorrow and every inch of her needs to be virginal for God. AND her 40,000 followers. Oh no! Is crazy mom going John the Baptist again? Please don’t throw me in the water! I see… What did she say? Does she understand how much
I’ve invested- I mean how much I’ve sacrificed for us to eventually move out
of my parent’s basement and have our own TV show? [dramatic music playing] You’re just like my Mama!
When I was just a young Kip living in Jupiter, Florida, Mama would scrape
together her tips from waitressing at the Palm Beach Kennel Club so that she
could buy the finest suits from JC Penney. Then she would ply me full of Mountain
Dew to widen my smile and then she would turn me into her little prince using
foundation mascara and eyeliner… and she would parade me around
in front of tens of people. Then they would judge me on my beauty. [dramatic music still playing] That’s when I became the first
male Little Miss Florida pageant contestant. Ugh, the horror… I was teased mercilessly by my classmates but I was too afraid to let Mama down so I never
told her how much the makeup bothered me or how much I hated the Madonna dance routines. I gave everything up for Mama…
my friends… my own happiness… that loneliness led me to befriend the neighborhood raccoons and
the occasional American crocodile… and that’s how I became a pet psychic
because of Mama’s insatiable thirst
for fame and fortune. Wow. That was long. Alright back to me.
I am the one that’s paying you. You know what? I’m gonna poop
in this björn right now! I mean, you should let Hairy Magdalene just be
herself. Be a dog. JUST be a dog? Does she look ‘just’ like a dog to you? She is a
gift to this world that should be shared in GIFS and boomerangs. [Hairy Magdalene]
Ohh-agh! I’m squeezin’!! Hairy Magdalene, you do what you got to do. I’m gonna do what I have
to do. I’m leaving right now. You’re a #FacebookFailure! SNIFF! Hairy went poo-poo! Oh, Jesus H Christ!