Because I like
to check in with you. ‘Cause it’s been about a year.
-Yeah. -And this is the only time
we see each other. -It really is.
We’re like party friends except it’s not even
a party friend. It’s like a — It’s weirder.
-Yeah, we are. It’s weirder
than even party friends. -It’s weirder
than a party friend. -But I do want to check in,
’cause you were here about a year ago,
and you were very happy. You were, like, proud,
and I felt like you thought you were becoming an adult. -I’ve heard whisperings of what
you’re talking about earlier. -Well, you were talking about you had moved in to
a new apartment, and then you said
you were thinking about getting a dog and a car. So I’d like an update.
-[ Laughs ] Yeah. Well, I don’t have a car.
-Okay. -I actually don’t have
a license right now. -Oh, no.
Why don’t you have a license? -‘Cause I lost it. -Okay.
-That’s true. -Okay, but you can
just get a new one. -Yes, I can.
I have an appointment. [ Laughs ] This is all real. I have an appointment
next Monday in Santa Monica. -Oh, so you have to go to a DMV. -Yeah.
And just have a face-to-face. I got an e-mail that I can take,
like, another photo if I want, which I’d like to
’cause my license photo isn’t — It’s not cute. -What do you think went wrong
the last time when you took the photo?
-I think I was too excited. -Okay. -I was, like, really —
I was, like, too — -It is such a bummer
when you get too excited for a license, especially when you get pulled over
for speeding. -Ugh!
-Because when you give that, it looks like you were
definitely speeding. Like, if you’re a guy who… couldn’t wait to be
a legal driver. So you don’t have
a license or a car. So that one seems like that’s a
step backwards from a year ago. -Yeah. So hopefully
a year from now I’ll at least have a license. -A new license. Okay.
-So I don’t have a car. I am going to get a dog.
-Okay. So you have not — In a full year,
you haven’t gotten one yet. -Haven’t gotten a dog.
Haven’t gotten the car. -Lost a license.
-Right. Yes. Lost a license. -And do you know what kind
of dog you’re getting? -So maybe we’ve moved backwards.
Yeah, I do. I’m getting a French bulldog. -Okay, great.
That’s very exciting. -I know.
They make me feel that way, too. -Have you ever had a French
bulldog in your life before? -No.
-Okay. Do you know — Like, do you have any sense
of the timeline of when you’re going to get one? -Well, uh…
[ Laughter ] Yeah, like the middle of August. -“Well, the problem
is I got to drive there, and that’s a whole thing
because of my license.” [ Laughter ] Maybe they could just — They’re
gonna give this dog your address and say, “It might be faster if
you just find your way there.” -“Go find her.”
Lassie, come home. -Do you have — Do you want
a boy dog, a girl dog? -A girl dog.
-Do you have a name picked out? Or are you gonna wait until
you actually lay eyes on it? -No, I’m thinking about it.
-Okay, gotcha. -I like —
I think, uh, like Tank. -Okay, for…
-[ Laughs ] -That seems like — I mean, again, you know,
look, who am I to say? That seems like a boy’s name. But I guess — I don’t know.
-I know. -But, again, maybe
a girl bulldog doesn’t — -But I like it.
-Yeah. What does she care? -She doesn’t care.
-Yeah, it’s just a noise. -And where —
It’s gender-normative. Like, it’s passé. Lame.
-Exactly. Also, she’s French. Yeah.
-Yeah. What does that even mean? -[ French accent ]
It’s so American to say Tank is a boy’s name. Tank is a name
that can be anyone’s name! -She just doesn’t
play those games. -One of my favorite things
we’ve ever talked about is your first New York City
apartment sounded like the worst apartment,
or the smallest apartment. -Well, it was.
-What was the — There was something.
The bed was something? The bed was in the kitchen?
-Yes, the bed is in the — Well, it went —
I mean, it was one room. -Oh, right.
Now I remember the word. -It was one room.
-Yeah. -So it was a bitchen.
-A bitchen. -The kitchen and the bedroom
were the same room. So we had — We just were like,
“Come over to our bitchen.” -I will say…
-It’s the bedroom. -…that if you got asked
to come over to a bitchen apartment,
you’d be like, “Awesome!” I think it’s gonna be like
a wraparound penthouse. And meanwhile it’s like —
-It’s like a… couch that you’re sleeping on,
with, like, a pull-out — with one of the things,
a door over the stove. -Yeah. Right. “I went back to
this girl’s bitchen apartment.” “How’d it go?” “I knocked
my head out on a sink.” -Yeah. No, it’s not.
It wasn’t safe. The truth of the apartment
is that it wasn’t safe. -But you recently got in — Your roommate
got in touch with you? -Oh, my roommate from that time
is one of my best friends. -Okay. Still?
-Yeah. Hey, Tommy. -Okay.
-I’ve never done that before. -And he found something
from back in the day? -Yeah, he recently
found this three days ago. And I was so excited I was
going to come and see you. I — Seriously. I got this — And also the subject heading
was “Dark Days.” -Dark days. So this was — Now, this is somebody
that you’ve managed
to stay friends with. -Oh, for like —
-You guys got through this. -I mean,
by the skin of our teeth. -This is a legal document
that he wrote up. This is a roommate agreement.
-Yes. -Was he a lawyer?
-No. He’s an — he was an —
He was an actor. -Okay.
-[ Laughs ] -There is so much legalese
to this. I can not stress
how crazy this is. -Wait. And you didn’t even see
there is room for both of us to sign
at the bottom. And he wasn’t gonna — I don’t
know what he was going to do. -This is my favorite one.
Hold on. “Both parties
must treat the other with courtesy and respect,
regardless of their state of inebriation, exhaustion, or general
non-collaborative mood.” [ Laughter and applause ] That is — That’s —
-Isn’t that amazing? -It’s amazing that you had —
like, basically signing a legal document
saying you’re gonna — No matter how drunk you are,
you have to treat somebody with courtesy and respect. -Respect. Yeah. Dignity.
We’re all humans. -The amount that he says
“both parties” is fantastic. I’m so happy to hear
he was also an actor. This is written like somebody who watched a lot
of “Law & Order.” -His dad’s a lawyer.
-Oh, his dad’s a lawyer. -So I feel like
he might have had his dad proofread it or something. -This is —
I mean, this is the best. -He had bullet points.
-“Hitherto.” -Oh, my God!
I didn’t even see that! -“This hitherto serves as
a binding roommate agreement.” -“Not to be made null or void unless agreed upon
by both parties.” I mean, what is that? He was,
like, a 22-year-old actor. Let me see that.
-It’s so great. Like, what I like
to picture is you coming home super-wasted,
being an asshole, and him saying, like,
“Hey! Our agreement!” You’re like, “[Bleep] you!
My kitchen’s a bedroom! I don’t care! You signed an agreement! -“[Bleep] you!
My kitchen’s a bedroom!” -You signed an agreement!
-Yeah, yeah. -You’re in a
non-collaborative mood!” -No, that was —
I read that, and I died. That’s my favorite.
That’s my favorite thing ever. -That is the nicest way to say
somebody’s being a jerk. Yeah, it’s a really nice way
to put some of my — I guess what it’s like
to live with me sometimes. -Yeah. Non-collaborative. -A generally