The Late Show ‘Rescue Dog Rescue’ With Ellie Kemper


FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I’M KIND OF A
BOG PERSON. AND EVEN WHEN IT’S NOT A FULL
MOON, I’M ALSO A DOG OWNER, WHICH IS WHY I LOVE A SEGMENT WE
DO ON “THE LATE SHOW” CALLED “RESCUE DOG RESCUE,” WHERE A
CELEBRITY GUEST AND I HELP FIND ACTUAL RESCUE DOGS A HOME BY
TELLING EXTREMELY FLATTERING LIES ABOUT THE PUPPIES. AND I’M SO PROUD TO SAY– THIS
IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE– WE HAVE A PERFECT TRACK RECORD FOR FINDING
HOMES FOR THESE DOGS. WHO’S A GOOD BOY? I AM. ( APPLAUSE )
SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, FOLKS? DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ME LIE ABOUT
SOME PUPPIES TO GET THEM ADOPTED
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT! THEN IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER
“RESCUE DOG RESCUE”!>>Stephen: ALL RIGHT, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN. WE’VE GOT AN ADORABLE BATCH OF
DOGS BACK THERE, AND HERE TO HELP ME OUT IS A HUMAN PUPPY HUG
HERSELF, ELLIE KEMPER, EVERYBODY! GIVE IT UP “P” HEY, NICE TO SEE
YOU. ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU.>>ALWAYS A PLEASURE. YAY!>>Stephen: WELL, ELLIE, THANK
YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US. YOU UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS?>>HECK, YEAH, STEPHEN! LET’S! EAT! SOME! PUPPIES! ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: OKAY, THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT HOW IT WORKS.>>ALL RIGHT, I’LL JUST FOLLOW
YOUR LEAD THEN.>>Stephen: GREAT! A REMINDER TO EVERYBODY OUT
THERE: ALL THE PUPPIES WE HAVE HERE
TONIGHT ARE ACTUAL ADOPTABLE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL
LEAGUE AMERICA. LET’S BEGIN. HERE WE GO WITH THE PUPPIES. HERE WE GO. THIS IS LILLY. IN ADDITION TO BEING FULLY
HOUSEBROKEN, LILLY IS AN OLYMPIC MEDAL-WINNING HIGH JUMPER. SO YOU MAY BE WONDERING, OLYMPIC
MEDALIST, WHY IS SHE UP FOR ADOPTION? SHE ONLY TOOK HOME THE BRONZE. WHO DO WE HAVE NEXT, ELLIE.>>HERE WE GO. THIS PUPPY HERE IS LUCKY. YOU KNOW THOSE PSYCHIC ANIMALS
THAT PREDICT SPORTS WINNERS, LIKE THE OCTOPUS FROM GERMANY
WHO ACCURATELY CALLED EIGHT WORLD CUP GAMES IN A ROW? AMAZING, RIGHT? WELL, LUCKY ATE THAT OCTOPUS. ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: GOT TO DO
SOMETHING.>>GOT TO DO SOMETHING.>>Stephen: NEXT UP, THIS IS
BUCKLEY. BUCKLEY MET TOM SELLECK ONCE AND
WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT. HE’S FUN AT PARTIES, BUT IF
“OF “BLUE BLOODS” COMES ON THE TV, BUCKLE UP.>>OH, I’D KNOW THIS LITTLE GAL
ANYWHERE. THIS IS CALLIE! SHE’S A RARE SWISS ARMY DOG. HER TEETH CAN OPEN BOTTLES, HER
LITTLE FINGERNAILS ARE A COMPLETE SCREWDRIVER SET, AND
THERE IS A U.S.B. CHARGER IN HER BUTT! ( LAUGHTER ).>>Stephen: COMES IN HANDY. COMES IN HANDY. OH, HERE WE GO! THIS IS CHASE. THIS IS CHASE, EVERYBODY. CHASE IS PART TERRIER MIX, AND
DUE TO A MISHAP AT THE NUCLEAR PLANT, PART MUTANT. FAIR WARNING: HIS SUPER POWER IS
FLIGHT, SO WHEN YOU TAKE HIM OUT TO PEE, BRING AN UMBRELLA.>>ALL RIGHT! BURT, HERE, IS THE
REINCARNATED SOUL OF AUSTRO- HUNGARIAN EMPEROR, LEOPOLD I. THAT’S RIGHT. LEOPOLD WAS KNOWN FOR HIS
CONFLICTS WITH THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE, BUT YOU’LL KNOW BURT FOR
HUMPING YOUR OTTOMAN! ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: ALL RIGHT, THIS GUY IS A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS. EVERYBODY PLEASE SAY HELLO TO
TITUS. THERE YOU GO. FUN FACT ABOUT TITUS: HE’S ALSO
A FULLY FUNCTIONING CELL PHONE. “HELLO!? ( PHONE RINGING )
HELLO? I’M LOSING YOU. I DON’T HAVE ANY BARS. HELLO? I’LL CALL YOU ON MY LAND-DOG.>>OKAY, OH, MY GOODNESS. THIS IS– UH-OH. AM I THE FIRST PERSON TO DROP A
PUPPY? THIS IS CHLOE. CHLOE IS EXTREMELY WELL-TRAINED
AND NEVER BARKS AT SQUIRRELS– UNLESS THOSE SQUIRRELS HAVE TIES
TO ALT-RIGHT HATE GROUPS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) . ( CHEERS )
YUP. THAT’S GOOD. CHLOE BITES NAZIS. DON’T YOU, GIRL?>>Stephen: THAT’S GOOD. THANKS VERY MUCH. MEET PERRY. PERRY IS A SWEET LITTLE GUY,
VERY LOVING AND PLAYFUL. AND GOOD NEWS– WHEN YOU’RE
HAVING SEX, PERRY WON’T SIT IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM AND
STARE, OKAY. BUT HE WILL HIDE IN THE HALL AND
LISTEN. AND HE WILL JUDGE. ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR “RESCUE DOG RESCUE.” HEAD TO “THE LATE SHOW’S”
WEBSITE, www.colbertlateshow.com, FOR
INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE
AMERICA. ELLIE KEMPER, EVERYBODY! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK!

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