Apparently giant snakes
have taken over Florida. There’s, like, a problem
with anacondas and Burmese pythons. The… What happened was…
(chuckles) …people were buying
baby exotic snakes. They didn’t realize they grow
to be up to 20 feet long. So at some point in that growth,
the pet owner was like, “Hey. Mrs. Slithersby got scary.” “She just took
a horse-sized dump. And our horse is missing.” “Have you seen Pony Soprano?” “Have you? “Maybe we should put her
outside. “She’s taking up
the whole basement. “You know what, though?
Florida would be nice. Lots of swamps, old people.
She’ll love it.” My buddy had a pet snake that constricted on his arm. He had to cut off
its head with a knife. Now he has permanent
nerve damage in his arm. Yeah. That doesn’t happen
with pet cats. He goes,
“Ten years, no problems, and then this happened.
I don’t get it.” And I wanted to be like,
“Well, I kind of get it.” “It’s a snake. “It’s your natural enemy. “It’s cold-blooded, literally. “It’s not like
it loved you for ten years and then turned.” “More likely, it was
just sitting there, “staring at you with eyes
that don’t blink, hating you, and growing.” And after ten years,
he was like, “You know what? “I don’t know
if I can take him, but I can’t live in this fish
tank anymore. Let’s do battle.” I just have a rule
when it comes to pets, and that is:
if it can unhinge its jaw… uh, keep a safe distance. Also, I don’t think the snake’s so much a pet
as just an archenemy that you brought
into your house. “Do I want something snuggly or do I want, like, a nemesis?” “Yeah, my house was just
a little too chill, “so I got an anaconda. “It’s great,
it keeps me on my toes. Don’t need coffee anymore.
I just pop out of bed, I’m up.” “Where’s Justin Timbersnake?” “Oh, he’s curled up with Britney
Scales. They’re back together.” Lot of people trying to
figure out the obesity issues in America.
Is is sedentary lifestyle, genetics, fast food? I think I figured it out– I think it’s that eating is the
best and running is the worst. You can dial back
on the research, there, PhDs, I cracked the code. I think the other issue
is that saying: “You’d better finish your plate ’cause there’s starving kids
in Africa.” I think we all remember
that saying, but we forgot what it means. Now we’re just like,
“You’d better eat a lot.” “It helps African kids. “Some sort of osmosis.
I’m not sure. “Just keep eating.
Don’t be selfish. Finish your plate.” It’s tough, man. Papa John’s Pizza
has a new promotion. You can plan ahead, order a
pizza up to 21 days in advance. Finally. For all those days when you’re like,
“I could sure go for a pizza “in about three weeks. “If only there was a way
I could lock it in. “‘Cause you know how those pizza
places are always selling out of pizza day of.” I want to place that order,
then just call every day and just check in. “Hey, I called yesterday
about two pizzas in 20 days. “Can I tweak that order
to one pizza? “My girlfriend and I broke up. She said I plan too much, and
I say she doesn’t plan enough.” The next day, “Hey, I called the last two days
about a pizza in 19 days. “Can I change the address? “I had to move
into my mom’s basement. “Yeah, ’cause of the breakup.
Good memory. “And we’re gonna make it
two pizzas again. “Mom’s gonna want one. “Yeah, I should’ve just left it
at two. All right,
I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” And just call every day and then finally,
on the last day, you’re like, “You know, it turns out
I’m in the mood for Chinese. “So I’m gonna cancel. Uh… “Yeah, I had pizza for lunch–
I just ordered “and then it came right away.
It was really easy. “But I like what you’re doing. “I’d love to place
another order. “21 days. And I will talk
to you tomorrow.”